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The Zoo 4: Stomachs
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The Zoo 4 - Stomachs (Disk 2 of 2).adf
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KevSat.ade
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*!EOM
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2426Y00F07futurax24Y00J1Y00C2NMR KEVINS SATELLITE TV PROMOTION
3219Y00F05basic32Y00C5Nby Mr Kevin of Panda
0825Y00F11microknight08Y00J0N
0806Y00C1NBeing part of the Zoo team is a very demanding and satisfying job. But
0801Nmaking the tea, checking Melees life support machine and running to the shops
0801Nfor a packet of Jammy Dodgers is all very well but I don't want to stop here
0801Nall my life, so I've launched my own satellite TY company with my partner
0801NUncle Jack.
0801N
0801NAt last it's here! After years of complaining about the standard of TV
0801Nprogrammes - four (sorry five) channels of soap operas, game shows, black-
0806Y41C5Nand-white films, repeats of Dad's Army - MR KEVIN SATELLITE TELEVISION IS
0806Y31C1NHERE TO USHER A BRAND NEW ERA. Now you can have two hundred and twenty five
0801Ntrillion channels of soap operas, game shows, black-and-white films and
0801Nespecially repeats of Dad's Army.
0801N
0924Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C6NEASY SATELLITE INSTALLATION WITH UNCLE JACK
0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y00C1NPiece of piss, this satellite business. Just remove the roof of your house
0801Nsend it to our Singapore branch of ZOO where in twelve months we'll send the
0801Nroof back fitted with a UNCLE JACK state of the art satellite dish.
0801N
0811Y00C4Y06C1NNOTE: To disclaim all the rumours put out by my rivals (MELEE CABLE, FISHBOY
0801N ETHER TELEVISION). There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that
0801N UNCLE JACK dishes are simply Singapore woks with 'Satellite TV dish,
0801N honest' crayoned on them.
0801N
0801NOnce you have received your dish rotate your roof of your house until the
0801Ndish lines up with the MR KEVIN ONE satellite. Infact the Mr Kevin satellite
0801Nis MR KEVIN, as on the 1st of November 1997 he's being launched into the sky
0801Nin a rocket and then put in orbit over Europe. When he asked for time off
0801Nfor this venture, the Zoo team threw a party and offered to sponsor him if he
0801Ntattoed "ZOO IT'S YOU" on his face. In a few months the whole population of
0801NEurope will see MR KEVIN's face whenever they look into the sky and ZOO will
0801Nbe a household name. The way the satellite works is broadcasts world-wide
0801Nare bounced off MR KEVINS reinforced face and into peoples homes equipped
0801Nwith UNCLE JACKS Satellite's.
0801N
0801NPlug the dish into the receiver, and connect the receiver to the mains, the
0801NTV, your video recorder, the central heating, the gas supply and your Amiga.
0801NOnce you have done this and paid the hugely expensive monthly satellite fees
0801Nyou can now receive KEVVISION, beamed at you from the stars! Remember not to
0801Nblock your chimney, as the signals must wriggle down it.
0801N
0801NPlace your order now and receive a limited edition "We like Malcoms, we like
0801Nchips" T-shirts printed in low quality grey-scale. Not only that but due to
0801Nthe low demand for UNCLE JACK MINTS, we'll throw in a free packets of UNCLE
0801NJACK MINTS.
0801N
0924Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C6NBLATANT ADVERTISING INTERRUPTIONFROM UNCLE JACK
0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y00C1NRemember UNCLE JACKS MINTS are available from every good retailer and every
0801Nbad one as well. UNCLE JACK mints are available in three flavours; Bagpuss
0801Nflavour, Roast Moomin, Powered toast flavour and mouldy cheese flavour.
0801NUNCLE JACK mints are unique mints which gives you that bitter after taste
0801Neffect for 24 hours. The only mint that makes you look like you like you've
0801Njust eaten coal.
0801N
0811Y00C4Y08C1NWARNING: UNGLE JACKS MINT Limited do not take any responsibly for the loss of
0801Nteeth, hair or friends so be warned.
0801N
0924Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C6NHOW TO ORDER
0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y00C1NTo order your very own MR KEVIN SATALIGHT DISH just ring this number:
0801N
2426Y00F07futurax24Y00J1Y00C2NMR KEVIN-5555
0820Y00F11microknight08N
0811Y00J0Y00C1NRinging this number will put you in contact with our ultra efficient
0801Ntelephone operator, but shes on holiday so PIP is our new telephone sales
0801Nrepresentative. Here's a typical example of a conversation with our
0801Ncustomers, featuring PIP.
0801N
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: Hello, is that MR KEVIN SATALIGHT TV
0811Y00C5Y10C1NPIP: WHAT DO YOU WANT!
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: I would like to order a Satellite dish, please.
0811Y00C5Y10C1NPIP: WHAT!
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: I said I would like to order a Satellite dish, please.
0811Y00C5Y10C1NPIP: WHY! TELL ME!
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: Ermm! Have I got the wrong number!
0811Y00C5Y10C1NPIP: WHAT! TELL ME, TELL ME NOW!
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: Err because I'd like to get all the programmes you don't get on
0801N normal TV!
0821Y00C5Y10C1Y31S4Y58S0NPIP: YES, LIKE STAR TREK, I LIKE STAR TREK VERY MUCH! TELL ME NOW OR I
0801N WILL PINCH THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: Yes I like star trek the next generation.
0816Y00C5Y10C1Y33C2NPIP: THAT IS MY FAVOURITE. DID YOU KNOW THAT CAPTAIN PICARD AND THE
0801N CHARACTER KNOWN AS Q ARE SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH EACH OTHER.
0811Y00C3Y10C1NCUSTOMER: Yes well ermm, this satellite could I link it up to my PC and use
0801N Windows 95 with it.
0811Y00C5Y10C1NPIP: WHAT! YOU HAVE WINDOWS 95 ON YOUR COMPUTER. YOU ARE A FOOL. I WILL
0801N HUNT YOU DOWN, AND KILL YOU. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE AMIGA CAN
0801N PRODUCE MUCH SUPERIOR GRAPHICS THAN THE PC. IT IS FAR SUPERIOR AT
0801N RENDERING.
0816Y00C3Y10C4Y17C1NCUSTOMER: (Click) beeeeeeeeeeep
0811Y00C5Y09C1NPIP: YOU SON OF A BITCH I WILL KILL YOU. I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND SHOW
0801N YOU MY RENDERED IMAGES OF STAR TREK NEXT GENERATION SHIPS. YOU CAN
0801N NOT HIDE FROM ME.
0801N
0811Y00C4Y05C1NNOTE: Since this phone call PIP has been promoted to customer relations where
0801N he's happy torturing customers into submission about rendered objects
0801N and Star Trek.
0801N
0801NWe take all major credit cards but we prefer cash as we can back pocket it.
0801NSo ring now for your satellite system as we only have a limited supply of
0801N50,000 units to shift before they are sold out or we're found out by the
0801NSINGAPORE WOK CORPORATION.
0801N
0801NMR KEVIN SATALIGHTS is copyrighted by ZOO international and is protected to
0801Nthe provisions of the law of Chorley. Unauthorised duplication or exhibition
0801Nof this name may result in civil liability, criminal prosecution or a good
0801Nkicking.
0801N
0924Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C6NCOMMING SOON: WIGBOY AND HIS THREE HOLES
0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y00C1NBrought up in the dark forests of Clayton Le Woods WIGBOY is a freak of
0801Nnature due to a bizarre accident with a set of spiky railings, WIGBOY is the
0801Nunfortunate owner of three arseholes. Rather than moaning on about it, the
0801Nhapless WIGBOY has turned his affliction to use by playing short tunes using
0801Nthree Vimto bottles, thus creating a whole new music. WIGBOY can play
0801Npopular favourites like Blur's "Parklife" and Pulp's "Common People" and will
0801Nsoon be releasing his first album "Sound of the arse pipes".
0801N
0811Y58S4Y62S0NSo watch out for WIGBOY and his three arseholes, hopefully not coming
0801Nanywhere near you.
*!EOF